RELATIONSHIPS

COPYRIGHT 1997

By Dr. Brian K. Bailey

 

True love is unconditional, it is not based on performance.

 

We have everything now that we need to be complete. A misconception is--that we need something from another person, and we will love that person when we get it, or hate them if we don't. Many relationships are based on trading conditional love. The motivation to get instead of give leads to conflict and distress. Happiness comes from within, no person, place or thing is responsible for your joy.

Let go of judging, accept people as they are. Don't try to force them into your mold. Remember, control and domination are not love. Love is to let someone go and be. Let go of attachments, nothing and no one truly belong to you. If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't come back it wasn't yours to begin with.

 

To be lovable is to be loving.

 

Communication is an essential tool for healthy relationships. Ask for what you need, don't expect your partner to read your mind. Know when to say something and when to practice silence. Listen more; talk less. God gave us a hint when He gave us two ears and one mouth.

John Gray in his book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, points out the difference in male vs. female communication. Women expect to be listened to without a man trying to "fix" her or solve her problems. Men need to realize that after she has talked things out and felt that she has been heard, she will be "fixed." Men on the other hand will often not talk until they have either solved the problem or realized they need help, then they will talk. Trying to make the man talk will frustrate the woman and anger the man. Have patience, he will come out of his cave. Don't tell a man what to do or a woman how she should feel.

The most powerful communication skill is empathy. Empathy is actually understanding how someone feels, sympathy is feeling for them eg.: "I feel sorry for you." Strive to be empathetic not sympathetic.

I was having dinner one night with two young ladies Kayla, age 9 and Krystle, age 10. They were telling me how they felt sorry for a friend of theirs that was crippled and just now learning to walk with braces. When I explained to them--it isn't good to feel for other people and we let them feel for themselves, they thought I was mean and cruel. I continued to explain to them that she was probably happy that she could now walk. I told them that emotionally healthy people don't want pity or sympathy. Krystle and Kayla found these ideas challenging to understand until they asked their friend if she was happy and if she wanted people to feel sorry for her. The answers they received were great lessons. This inspiring young lady, who recently walked a mile in a local parade twirling a baton, told them she was happy and she didn't want anyone feeling sorry for her.

 

The Law of Mirroring and Projecting: We tend to see in others and in the world, that which is within ourselves. We often project our characteristics onto others. If we see only the good, we have changed for the better within.

Sometimes we don't like what we see in the mirror. Remember the first time you heard your voice on a tape recorder or saw yourself on videotape. Did you say, "I don't sound like that or look like that?" Were you your own worst critic? The mirror is similar, when we really look, we may not like what we see. We must accept who we are before we can make any changes.

 

"If you want to make the world a better place,

take a look at yourself and then make a change."

Michael Jackson's song, Man in the Mirror

 

One example of mirroring is jealousy, if someone is often feeling jealous in a relationship, it is likely that he or she doesn't trust themselves. They are projecting unfaithful behavior onto their mate because they question their own ability to be faithful. The singer Laurel Lee says, "I know I'm not seeing things as they are, I'm seeing things as I am."

In the 7th chapter, verses 1-5 of Matthew, Jesus is concluding the sermon on the mount. He tells us not to judge others because that same judgment will be used for us. He says, however we measure or evaluate others, that is how we will be evaluated. Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

 

"Mirrors should reflect a little

before throwing back images."

Jean Cocteau

 

If you are making harsh judgments of other people, whatever advice you would give them is the advice you need for yourself. I am actually writing this book for me, I need every scrap of advice in it. It is my desire for personal growth that inspires me to write, speak and counsel. Perhaps the reason I enjoy counseling is that it gives me opportunities to learn more about me.

 

"I bid him look into the lives of men as though

looking into a mirror, and from others

to take an example for himself."

Terence, 190-159 B.C.

 

My closest friend has a sister that is content to do nothing with her life. She is seventeen and has only finished 9th grade. She had a job in a fast food restaurant, this only lasted a couple months&emdash;she is happy to cook and clean for her father. When her sister calls and complains about her life my friend listens and helps her find solutions--unfortunately the sister never follows through. My friend feels intense anger--a red flag of something deep inside herself--mirroring.

 

"When we see men of contrary character,

we should turn inward and examine ourselves."

Confucius

 

My friend and I discussed the source of her anger, it became evident that there had been a similar situation in her life that was being mirrored. Most of her life she had felt trapped. At age seventeen, she became a mother and soon had two daughters, her husband was in the Navy and off on a ship. In another marriage, her husband sabotaged her car to keep her trapped at home. It wasn't until she broke out of the trap, (welfare mother situation) that things began to change. She went back to school and volunteered her time to get work experience. Now, she has a good job as a medical office manager and a strong healthy relationship.

What does this have to do with her sister? It was those memories of being trapped and not knowing how to get free. Her sister has opportunities but does nothing to advance herself. This is the root of her anger.

 

"A loving person lives in a loving world.

A hostile person lives in a hostile world.

Everyone you meet is your mirror."

Ken Keyes, Handbook to Higher Consciousness

 

The mirror also has a positive side, the beauty and good we see in others and the world is a reflection of what is beautiful and good in ourselves. Look for the good. Pay attention to the negative, in as much as it may teach you something about yourself.

 

"We really don't learn anything from our experience.

We only learn from reflecting on our experience."

Robert Sinclair

 

LOVE : Love is not caring for people, it is caring about them. M. Scott Peck, M.D. defines love as: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

The Greeks developed several definitions of love: Eros--romantic love; Storge--family love; Phileo--love of friends; and Agape--unselfish love. Agape is the love that Christ taught us, it is unconditional and expects nothing in return.

Agape is magical in that, the more you give

the more you have to give.

PASSION: naturally goes in cycles. The cycle is bonding followed by separation. Alone time is fundamental to passion. Continuous bonding weakens the passion, both partners need to have their own lives. To keep passion alive takes work. Relationships can become boring if everything is always the same. Use your imagination and create newness and variety in your relationships.

Constantly courting your mate is essential to maintaining a romantic relationship. Women need to feel special and feminine, they want to be romanced they love flowers, candlelight dinners etc. Women and men need touching without sexual motives. Men need to feel masculine and that they make a difference--they need to feel that their mates are happy. Instead of guessing, ask your mate what they want and tell them what you want.

"Happy relationships depend not on finding the right person,

but being the right person."

--Eric Butterworth

Dr. Bailey appears regularly on TV and the national radio talk show Here's To Your Health, he as written numerous magazine articles and he travels around the world speaking about optimal wellness of the body, mind and spirit. He also develops personalized wellness programs for individuals, families and corporations.

His latest book is the SECRETS TO HAPPINESS, INNER PEACE AND HEALTH: COMPLETE GUIDE TO OPTIMAL WELLNESS OF BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT (available at book stores and the L.A. County Library or get your autographed copy direct from Dr. Bailey); his 1997 corporate lecture series is TWELVE ESSENTIAL KEYS TO SUCCESS.

Dr. Bailey also does consultation worldwide over the phone, mail or by e-mail.

(606) 324-3668 or Email To

 

Dr. Bailey's Office

Dr. Bailey's Adorable Ragdoll cats

drbrianbailey@aol.com

For more infomation about Sucess read the Secrets to Happiness, Inner Peace and Health.

 

 

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